The Humorous Death of the Dark Lord
by LilacGrace444
Summary: Harry and Draco have a relationship spat in the middle of the Final Battle. A comical take on Voldemort’s death. Very AU, HP/DM one-shot.


The Humorous Death of the Dark Lord

Summary: Harry and Draco have a relationship spat in the middle of the Final Battle. A comical take on Voldemort's death. Very AU, HP/DM one-shot.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter characters, but I do own this ridiculous dialogue. Please read and review! Inspiration from violetkitty02 and allien. Also imagine Voldemort's voice as ridiculously Terminator/Arnold Schwartzinager sounding.

Herm-Hermione, H-Harry, Dr-Draco, R-Ron, G- Ginny, Lucius, Voldy- Voldemort

_The members of the Order were fighting for their lives in the Final Battle. Throughout the following dialogue, spells and hexes are being thrown forward, backwards, over people's heads, and many other ways. _

Herm: "Harry, watch out. _Expelliarmus!"_

H: "Thanks 'Mione. Two behind you, ron. Awe crap, Bellatrix!"

Herm: "I've got her, Harry."

H: "I swear, if we ever get out of this alive, I'm telling Ginny that I'm gay. _Petrificus Totalis!"_

G: "You're what?!?"

H: "Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

G: "Harry, we are fighting for our lives here, could you at least tell me what is going on?"

Dr: "Yes Potter, do tell."

R: "Malfoy, what do you have to do with this. Mind your own business!"

Dr: "Oh, but it is my business Weasley."

Herm: "Just tell them, Harry."

R: "Wait a minute. Harry, you're…well, I mean…GAY?"

H: "Ron, I know it's weird, but—"

R: "And you told _Hermione_ but not me?!"

H: "You mean you are okay with it?"

R: "Well uh, I kind of always wondered a bit since you were always so angsty, but I just blamed it on the whole You-Know-Who thing."

Herm: "Speaking of, when is the Dark Pain in my Butt going to get here?"

H: "Any second now, I'm sure."

G: "HELLO?! Harry, your **girlfriend **would like to know if you are** homosexual** before you or I possibly die!"

H: "Yes Ginny! I'm sorry, but I just don't feel the same way about you."

G: "The heck you don't. I am pissed at you Harry James Potter."

Dr: "Anything else to tell, Potter?"

G: "Oh, go fight with your father, Malfoy! My life is literally going to shambles around me. Do you have to torment us, even in a life or death battle?"

Dr: "Oh, what do you know?"

Herm: "Guys! Focus, please. Voldemort will be here any moment. Harry needs to concentrate."

G: "Agh!!"

Herm: "Oh, come on Ginny. You had to have some idea of this."

G: "I suspected he might be seeing someone else, but I didn't think it was because he was gay!"

Dr: "Your first guess might not be too far off."

G: "Shut your mouth, Malfoy. Either turn around and fight the Deatheaters or go back to being one."

Herm: "Draco has been very faithful to Har—I mean, the Order."

R: "I don't trust him either, sis."

Dr: "Honestly, you people! I'm not going to switch at the last minute. I have good reasons to stay on this side, even to our hopefully not imminent death."

R: "Like what, Malfoy?"

Dr: "Well, for one I—"

H: "Dray, NO! Watch out! _Stupefy!"_

Dr: "Thank you, Harry. That was really close."

R: "Uh Harry…you just saved Malfoy?"

G: "And **what** did you just call him, Harry?"

H: "Uh well…I think I feel Voldemort coming. Ah…my scar."

Dr: "Ugh! That is it, I'm through!"

Herm: "Draco, calm down, he's just stressed."

R: "Now you're calling him by his first name too?"

Dr: "Considering your inefficient skill at nonverbal spells, you may want to get back to fighting and shut up, Weasel."

H: "Draco, you said you would be nice."

Dr: "Yeah, well you said a lot of things, and look how that turned out! Even when directly confronted, you can't—Ugh, _Expelliarmus!_"

G: "Harry, what in Merlin is he talking about?"

Dr: "Nevermind, obviously it's not **important** to him."

H: "No, Draco, don't talk like that. After the battle we will talk, okay?"

Dr: "We may not make it out of this, and you're just going to wait until after the battle? What's more important to you, Harry?"

H: "Honey, I just need to fulfill my destiny. Then my attention is all yours, okay?"

G: "Wait! You **were** cheating on me? With MALFOY?!?"

H: "Crap."

Dr: "That is exactly what you are, Harry Potter. And I'm sick of being your shameful little secret."

H: "Baby, you have to understand. I've been under a lot of pressure. I just didn't want to add any more emotional conflict than I needed."

Dr: "_**Emotional conflict?**_ Oh, I see how it is. I tell you 'I love you' and it's just an emotional conflict?"

R: "Harry, did **Draco Malfoy** just use the L-word…towards you?!"

G: "I'll believe anything at this point."

Dr: "Yes, I did! And I'm not ashamed of it unlike bloody Potter."

H: "Dray, I'm not ashamed of it. I just—Oh, I don't know."

Herm: "Anyone else find this slightly hilarious?"

Dr: "Well Harry, I guess that means you don't know how really you feel about me."

R: "I think I'm going to hurl."

Dr: "I hope you hurl slugs again, Weasel."

H: "Draco, don't you dare. Not now, please guys."

Dr: "What does it matter anymore? We are never going to be together, Harry."

G: "I certainly hope so."

Herm: "Harry, Draco, you're both just excited and scared right now. This isn't the time for a complicated discussion."

Dr: "Thanks for the thought Granger, but it's too late. I'm done."

R: "Thank goodness. I'm now going to convince myself that this was all a horrible hallucination."

H: "Draco, please, I—"

Dr: "We have nothing more to discuss, Potter."

H: "Ugh, that's it!"

Herm: "Harry, what are you about to—"

H: "Draco Malfoy, I love you, you idiot!"

_All motion in the hall stopped instantly at Harry's declaration. A truly comical picture, Death eaters and Order members alike stood motionless around the two boys, mouths gaping open like mindless cod fish. The hostile battle of the century could wait for a moment. They all had to know what would come of this ludicrous situation between the Boy-who-might-Live and the blood-obsessed son of a Death eater. But unfortunately just then, the diva Dark Lord himself decided to make his entrance._

Voldy: "**Harry Potter, I have come for yoooou!"**

Lucius: "Good day to you, my Lord. How are you?"

Voldy: "I am gooood, thank you."

Lucius: "Good to hear. Shall we continue?"

Voldy: "Yes, of course. **Harry Potter, it is time to fulfill your destiny…of dooom!"**

H: "Oh geez, he couldn't have waited a few more minutes."

Dr: "Harry Potter, if you leave this discussion right now, we are over, do you hear me?"

Herm: "Oh stop being such drama queens. Harry, it's time."

H: "Baby, I've got to take care of this. Just give me a few minutes, please."

Dr: "Oh what, so you can finally say you love me and then just go off and die? That is not enough for me!"

H: "Come on, Dray. I promise, I always meant to tell you—"

Dr: "I knew you had feelings for me considering our passionate times together—"

R: "Now I'm really going to be sick."

Dr: "—but it hurt that you wouldn't tell anyone or at least break up with you decoy **girlfriend.**"

G: "Hey!"

Voldy: "**Harry Potter, I have come for you noooow.**"

Dr: "Don't you dare leave me right now, Harry."

H: "Oh, bloody hell. I don't have time for all this."

Dr: "How could you—"

Voldy: "**Harry Potter!**"

H: "Agh, _Avada Kedavra!_"

Voldy: "**Noooooo!"**

H: "Now baby, listen to me. I swear I never meant to—"

Herm: "Uh, Harry…"

H: "What?! I'm trying to resolve some relationship issues here!"

Herm: "…you just killed Voldemort…"

H: "Oh…you mean I did it? We won? It's over?"

Herm: "Well, let's see. Seven horcruxes?"

R: "Check."

Herm: "Voldemort is dead?"

H: "Definitely check."

Herm: "Death eaters surrendering?"

Lucius: "Sadly, check."

Herm: "Then yep, I think we did it Harry! And you weren't even freaked out because you were already so upset and worried about Malfoy."

Dr: "You just saved the world, Harry?"

H: "I think so."

Dr: "…that's kind of hot."

R: "Oh no, it wasn't a hallucination."

Herm: "Grow up, Ron. We won!"

[Order members cheer]

Lucius: "So…before we all stroll over to Azkaban. How about drinks? I'm buying."

Dr: "Good thought, Dad. I'm thinking maybe a movie after as well, everyone? Seriously, he's loaded."

[Murmurs of agreement]

_And so it ended, or rather, began. Enemies of only a few minutes before escorted one another out of Hogwarts for a night of celebration. Many people ended up paired together after the night of relief, laughter, and drinks. Ron had a fling with Pansy, Snape professed his undying desire for Hermione (quite poetically despite his inebriation), Lucius and Narcissa embarrassed Draco with loud childhood stories, Harry and Draco kissed, and Ginny fainted. And they all lived certainly happy ever…well, at least until Draco's next scene of a drama queen._


End file.
